Archive for September, 2010


September 1, 2010

There is really nothing I hate more than mediocrity.  I’ve spent most of my life pushing myself to be the best, to be interesting and to be something.  That’s why I’m kind of dismayed at what I’ve become.  I’m not special.  I’m not all that interesting.  And well, I don’t know what I am.

Do I hate my life?  Not really.  I have a pretty charmed life.  I have a boyfriend that I love.  No kids, but that has more to do with not really wanting any right now than anything else.  I have an awesome cat.  Great friends.  I get basically whatever I want.  This is a trait that was encouraged as a child and developed into a career for awhile.  If I don’t get it, there’s a good chance that I didn’t really want it.

So what’s the problem?  Nothing really.  I guess I just thought there was more.  I thought that I was going to find that thing that would define me, be it a career or something else.  The fact that I haven’t is kind of disheartening and a bit of a head scratcher.  Shouldn’t I have something figured out by now and shouldn’t I be uber-passionate about that one thing?  Probably.

Sigh.  Not even my existential crisis is all that interesting.

So that leaves me to the real question of life: Do I remain mediocre and on all accounts pretty happy?  Or do I start pushing through this mediocrity and give in to that philosopher in me that needs to figure things out?  And if I am pushing through, what am I pushing towards?  Do I struggle towards greatness for the sake of greatness?  That seems like the most boring option yet.  Maybe I don’t need a goal?  I’m too goal-oriented for that.  Maybe I’m just trying to move towards figuring things out.  But that isn’t much of anything either.  I mean, in the end, what am I trying to figure out?

Anybody else here?

(I’m probably on a string of writing some personal posts.  I apologize to my readers that are here strictly for tourism, association and social media stuff.)