A Confession


It started in high school.  There was about a month where I had trouble getting out of bed and did not go to school most days.  A nurse practitioner told my mother that there was nothing wrong with me.  Thus started my hatred of nurse practitioners.

In college, I was fine as long as I had one day a week where I didn’t have to see or talk to anyone.  It was my “recharging” day.  Since Ashland was a suitcase campus, it wasn’t hard to get my one day.  But then the stomach cramps started.  Pills started getting thrown at me like candy.  None of them worked.

After college and after continued battles with stomach cramps that would leave me in the fetal position, a doctor assured me that she had found the answer!  Finally!  Hope!  Surgery to remove my gallbladder followed and once again, dashed hopes when the stomach cramps continued.

And then my behavior became odder.  I collected every pill that I was given to the point that I had a ridiculous supply.  I became incapable of cleaning.  My car was literally full of crap and I was living in conditions that were beyond reprehensible.  Dirty dishes were all over my kitchen and I tried not to open my fridge.  Fortunately for me, a friend picked up on something in how obsessive my behavior had become about not letting anyone into my apartment.  I gave up the pill collection and cleaned.  I started therapy.  I also adopted the first love of my life at about this point: my kitten, Cesare.

After months of therapy, I wasn’t really getting any better.  I was just trying harder not to get caught for odd behavior.  That’s when I started sleeping.  Sleeping is normal, but not in the way I was doing it.  I would come home just after 6.  I would hurry up and eat dinner.  I would be asleep by 7 pm.  At about 7:30 am, I would have to drag myself out of bed.  I never woke up easily.  This kind of behavior can still be hidden and were for about a month.  Then I started falling asleep at my desk.  Yes, while sitting up, I was falling asleep.  This was when I finally got the diagnosis I should had gotten almost 10 years prior.  I was suffering from depression.  Amazingly, my doctor got the medication right on the first try.  I quit therapy and became a normal version of myself.

Everything was going great until I suddenly became unemployed.  The medication I needed to take would cost me $200 a month, not exactly something someone that was unemployed could afford.  I would not have health insurance for another year and would not have a job that I felt comfortable enough in that I could declare to a health insurance that I had depression for about two years (the fun of pre-existing conditions & health insurance companies).  Luckily, this is when the second love of my life came into it.  Mike supported me as I went off of the medication and started to learn how to control my depression without medication.  This was pretty difficult considering I had nothing to do with myself all day but send my resume out to every place I could find and get rejected by every place I could find.  I was actually pretty proud of how bad it didn’t get.

Last summer, when my work situation was finally stabilized, I fulfilled a promise I had made to Mike.  I went to the doctor’s and asked for my old prescription.  It no longer worked.  Instead, I started thinking too fast.  I can’t really explain it, except that I couldn’t capture a thought and couldn’t talk fast enough to capture the ones I could get my hands around.  This is a major problem for someone that thrives on being creative.  I went through a series of other medications before I refused any more.  The side effects far outweighed the benefits.  So it was back to controlling my depression with natural methods.

This brings me to today.  The past few months, I started suspecting something was up.  I felt out of balance and my stomach was causing me problems.  Today, I’m facing the fact that I’m exhausted after sleeping entirely too much.  I also about fell apart when Mike asked me to do some simple tasks because they just felt like too much.  And let’s not even talk about the weight gain.

In other words, I am sorry that I started this and then stopped almost immediately.  I am going to try to be better, but I’ve been dealing with some stuff.  I’m going to try my best to work this out naturally and we’ll see how far I can take that.  I can tell you that I have been luckier this time than any other time.  I have both of my boys and I have good friends, which includes a social media network that checks in with me and have been amazingly supportive of some other stuff.  Thank you for that.  I can’t even begin to tell you how much that means.  Okay, now on to happier topics…

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2 Responses to “A Confession”

  1. Beth Says:

    Your honesty is inspiring and I wish you nothing but the best on this journey. Take care of yourself first. I admire your courage. 🙂

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